Confessions

Sometimes emotions are bottled up inside and you just cant find a word to describe how you feel. I myself is very good in bottling things up and I just cant pinpoint the real cause of my emotions until one triggers it.

Ive found this great site called Creative Women with a lot of them writing beautiful poems, which I realized sometimes reflect how I feel.

I particularly like this one:

Personal AdsBy: Laura Lord

Wrap your arms around me
tell me everything’s okay
Give me a place I feel at home
one where I am safe
So many times I’ve given of me
asked nothing in return
Not so much a choice of mine
but rather what I learned
Very early in my life
people expected of me
But now the scars I have inside
are raw enough to bleed
Not anything I normally tell
all of these childhood fears
The demands of me, constant still
and I’ve grown weary through the years
Searching for unconditional love
someone who wants just me
But all I have ever known
is dependence, fear, and need
See inside this soul of mine
look at what I’ve lived
I’ll offer you all I have
but don’t take more than I can give
So if you already love yourself
and have nothing I need to heal
Then wrap your arms around me
and I’ll allow myself to feel

©Laura Lord

Sem break

Our semestral break is almost over and I haven't even done some serious "vacationing". No trips out of town nor beach for that matter. But then again, i could say that I've been more focused with family now. I Spent time with Papa (lolo), and have his Diabetes controlled by a specialized doctor, and ultimately made him stop drinking beer every night and smoking (every time im with him, at least). I went to market with him, and one time helped with preparing meatballs by rolling the grounded meat in my hands with some flour. It sounds icky, i know, because even while I'm doing the rolling on my clean palm of my hands, I'm unsure if I would want to taste it after it was cooked with the "misua". Curious as I was, I tasted it na rin, and fortunately it went out well and tasty too.

Then came the 7th Death Anniversary of Nanay (lola, and wife of papa) last October 31 and we just attended Mass for her at the Church, and ate dinner with family.

November 1 was tiring. As usual, we went to Laloma cemetery and visited our departed ones. My tito said Mass at the mausoleum and some relatives dropped by to light a candle for Nanay, Ate (great grandmother), and Lolo Joaquin. There was a festive mood, in a manner of speaking during that occasion. Foods were prepared and given to every visitors we had, and some socializing tasks we had to endure. I wonder why we always have to visit on the day were there were a lot of people who would crowd at the entrance of the cemetery. But of course, that has always been the reason, for us to welcome those who would visit the mausoleum and for us to visit the graves of their relatives too.

Exercise on the other hand, has been fulfilled only once. When I was invited by my friend priest to play badminton with them. I did some jogging first like we used to do in Karate, and then some drills. When it was the time for me to play it, I felt so exhausted. Not by playing it per se, but in picking the shuttle cock a number of times. I really suck in that game. My racket would swish upward an inch where the shuttlecock would fall. So i just decided to play hoops instead.

Anyway, back to family matters. I was also able to visit my paternal grandparents in Cainta with Mom. Spent time with them for a while then left. We went to St. Clare monastery in Katipunan to pray. Then went to Greenhills to look for stuffs and Mom bought me a nice blouse too.

Last night, I was bothered with things that I found out. I don't like hearing these things. I feel helpless and doesnt know how to empathized with Mom. I'm not good in giving advice. And I just dont know what could be a good solution for that. I just pray that God would sort these things out, and He would lend us strength to face it especially Mom.

photo shoot

It was my tito's (Fr. Erick Santos) birthday last August 20. It's just the usual birthday mass and program for him afterwards. Some of his friends were there, and they gave him gifts, lots of it. I was able to come up with a great idea only after his bday.

I thought it would be great if we could give him the updated picture of us, his nieces, nephews, cousin, and yeah grandson na rin.We were able to do it only the day after his bday, good thing it was a holiday, Ninoy Aquino's death anniversary.

The original children of the house are: Me a.k.a Kae (panganay), Alee (actually his cousin), ER, Kim (my brother), and Joy. The next batch are: Geri, Tintin, Alj, and Matthew (the grandson: ER's son).


L-R: (standing) Kim,Joy,Alee, ER (at the back), and Kae
(sitting) Matthew, Alj, Tintin, and Geri.

I hope he liked it. I like how i was able to come up with that idea. kikay tlaga noh?

Thank God it's Monday

Today is such a wonderful day! I was able to pass my paper on time. I finished doing it at 1am together with Ham, who patiently waited for me even if he’s two hours advance in Sydney. I know he was sleepy na that time (3am), but still he waited for me.. thanks ham.

Oh, and I received a letter from him just now. No, not just the usual email but rather a snail mail. Yep, I did tell him once, on chat, that I want to receive a card via the snail mail, I didn’t know he’s serious bout it though. Oh.. I really love my Ham. I miss u all the more.

Look how gorgeous the card is….

Busy weekend

I was glad that the week was over. Since Friday after my exam at 7pm, i was rushing from one place to another.

Saturday morning, the same thing. I woke up and bathe in a rush to accompany my mom in a wedding then back home to supervise my kid cousin and our kiddie friends in baking a "Yummy banana bread" and cleaning after them.
At least after the wedding, I had the chance to hold the flowers and walk on the red carpet... just daydreaming.
Cute nila noh? and in fairness, sarap ng banana bread!


It exhausted my energy that after the mass, while still on the meeting I just dozed off. Sunday was a bit lethargic, just visited the relic of St. Therese at Sto. Nino de Tondo and went to the mall with Mom to print all the pictures in my 3 memory sticks. It took me 792 pesos to print all 132 pictures. And finally, at night time, I had the chance to talk with Ham who was away during the weekend to visit his friend and cousin. I am glad that we were able to settle the problem and did some compromising.

Monday, I'm glad that the government announced there'll be no classes today due to a storm. I was supposed to be in the Philippine Orthopedic Center for our duty this week, instead I stayed home and sleep and read Sandman. It in a way, recharged my depleting energy. I wish for more though...

stupid love?

I hate it when both of you do that. I'm fully aware of how you feel for each other, and it just confuses me more to see you like that. Make your own decision, he already made his own. Dón't worry too much on your image, you did a good job in building it. People won't judge you, just don't let her hope for nothing.

Samu't sari

plain busy with nursing...

I finally experienced handling patients. I did vital signs taking (the basic), bed bath for my post-op patient with some nursing intervention on her distended abdomen, and perineal care to a medical patient. It was fun really!

This week is more of lectures and ill be in school the whole day. Tiring...

Anyway, that's just the way it is.

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Last weekend though, we went to Laguna and Tagaytay to locate a good place for a teambuilding. We didnt find one that will suit our budget and needs. However, we were able to bond with our new found friends. Our grandparents were friends back then, got separated thru time, and now rekindling the lost time through us children.


(L-R) Ar-jee (my crush), Eunice (14 y/o cutie), and Joy (my dear cousin)


Gay love

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Oh btw, during that time, Pacquiao had a bout with Oscar Larios at the Araneta Coliseum, I think. ANyway it just brings back a very sweet memory, for I had watched Manny's game last January with a very special person.

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Also, Happy First Anniversary to my brother Kim and his gf Karisse! NAks! It's Kim's first time to have a long and serious relationship. I'm happy for them. ^__^

I miss my ham

Everytime an ericsson fone rings, I think of you.

Everytime someone mentions ham, I think of you.

Everytime Baboy oinks "I-LOVE-YOU", I think of you.

Everytime I enter my room, I think of you.

Everytime my heart beats... E-lubb-dubb-E... I know my heart beats for you.

All new

It's always gratifying to reward oneself after a good work out.

Like last night, I had my 20-minute cardio on the treadmill and a 5-minute cycling. After which, I just contented myself with lounging on the locker room before I went to steam room. I know that it's not much but considering the time, 7pm, it is the worst time to be in the gym. The equipment I want to use wasn't available, the group exercise wasn't appealing either, my favorite locker was occupied, and my best friend Mai was doing some overtime work with her boss.

Good thing, Mai invited me for a coffee...or rather frap after her work and after my "work out". I wasnt prepared for it and i only had 200 bucks in my pocket, hehe. Mai bought a chocolate cake for me and and an oreo cheesecake for her. Really nice... She went home with me. Thank you Mai!

Finally she saw my newly painted "room", my new notebook, and my new brother.^____^

I had a nice time with her. I hope we could do it again with Grace.

Chess at Lucena

I accepted the invitation of my bestfriend in college, ai, to accompany her in Lucena, Quezon for the Open Chess Tournament. It was the only time I got to see her play, and she's good ha, eventhough she just came from her 11-5 shift. She only got to sleep during the bus ride since the tournament started at 11.

I am not a chess player so eventhough I was there, I can't analize her chess moves. During the middle part of every game she had (total of 7 rounds), I would be strolling the mall, or playing hoops and race car at Quantum and Worlds of Fun. One time, I scored 67 pts that's why I had the bonus round. The bonus round was bad, I only got 24 pts since my right arm cramped.And there was the time when Ai finished early, in-between the rounds, so we had a time to sing at the Videoke booth.

They all won in the tournament, and Ai bagged the Top Lady Performer Award. They all got money as a price. They decided to celebrate it in Nawawalang Paraiso Resort. We spent the next day attending the mass, buying ingredients for our meal and for some pasalubong, cooking the food, swimming, and playing billiards.

(L-R) Collin, Kuya J?, Aileen, and Coach

We stayed at Coach Randy's house with his parents for two nights. We were thankful that they warmly welcomed us and we had lots of food to eat since collin (other chess player) cooked so well. There's also this one guy which I forgot the name but he also played in the tournament, he assigned himself to be the dishwasher for that trip. Cool, I didn't do anything. ^___^

Ok.. 44% now..

animated Coraline

Last year when Neil Gaiman was here, I chose 2 books for him to sign. One is the Sandman 10: Endless nights and the other one is Coraline. I gave the signed Coraline to my favorite cousin Geri, hoping she'll fancy the works of Gaiman too. But alas, she's too occupied with her Archie comics, Kzone mags, or Disney channel shows to even bother reading it. Anyway, I guess i can't force a 10-year old girl into reading what I like.

Then, I read Gaiman's journal. They're actually working an animated movie for Coraline, to be voiced by Dakota Fanning as Coraline and Teri Hatcher as the Mother and the Other Mother. Yey, I'll watch that with Geri. Let's see if she won't still be interested after watching it.^___^

Taken from www.neilgaiman.com/journal

Keeping myself awake

It's 3 in the morning and im still here in front of the PC typing this blog, trying not to fall asleep for I finally had the slot to DL from megaupload. I've started around 230, and it's only 19% finished atm. How long will I stay up awake? I dunno.

But i need to this before classes start again, which will be next week. On the 13th, we'll have the Revalida and almost everyday will be like hellday, unending lessons and exams once again.

Boy, ive got lots of stuff to do as planned such as: clean the room, finish Stardust, work out everyday, accompany Pa for a check up, visit clients, watch movies, Powerbooks day at greenbelt, and organize pictures (for i haven't printed yet my copy of the BORA pix).

24%.....

daily horoscope

Here's my horoscope for today courtesy of friendster:

A chance to get closer to your goal will require you to put in a public appearance.

uMM... it's quite funny actually.

Tonight, my cousin and I were invited to dance and sing in front of the Community, so the "will require you to put in a public appearance" part coincides with that.

However, the part "A chance to get closer to your goal"... duh! The reason why we're going to be in front is definitely NOT OUR goal.. but to the people involved in managing the choir.

They're hoping that this certain woman would "go down" or to leave the choir since she committed a lot of hmm.. violations which she profusely denied. According to them this woman wants the attention of everybody in the choir and she feels superior with everybody in the group. That irks the leaders and they somehow use us to achieve this scheme. Savoring me and my cousin too much attention and giving us important part in the group which the woman solely had before we came.

Haaay... it saddens me, to be used in a situation like this. But im giving myself time to know more of the community, to see its other sides.

Hmm.. I wonder what will be in store for me tomorrow...

Free download

Waaa! I can't download the Sandman files from Megaupload. It always says that the 100 slot available for the Philippines are currently in use. As for the Badjojo file, I only got one volume from it.

Ham learned about the sites when he was talking with his friend. Buti na lang he's also interested with The Sandman. But I can't chat with Ham at the moment because he's watching XMEN3 with Cameron... Haay...

Helf! anyone... pls helf me.... *o*

The right turn

I went out last night, just so I could refocus my mind. Tomorrow will be the last examination for our summer classes, and I had a hard time concentrating on the scientific names of parasites. I decided to go back to where I used to study during my college days... in the South Conservatory, to get some inspiration. It was getting pretty late but it's fine with me. I always feel safe when I'm inside my former school, and besides my house is just 10 LRT stations away, I could be home in 30minutes.



Since there were some students lingering in the conservatory, either studying or chatting quietly with their friends, I can't help but reminisce those good old days. I remember myself and my thesis groupmates discussing our theory regarding the grass roots organization in Ireland, or that when I sat there either studying or just day dreaming, and realizing that I really had fun back in College.



I can't help but compare my situation now. A question curiously popped in my mind, "Am I doing this right?"... My batchmates are either abroad doing the job they've studied or those who stayed here but shifted to another field. Nevertheless, they are still working, while I am here studying again. I am retraining myself for a different field, hoping that someday I will gain more experience and more opportunity to improve myself.



Thankfully this article provided the answer to my question. It's a bit long, so I won't post it here nor restate it for fear of losing its essence. ^___^ But it really made me feel better, knowing that I'm not alone in my struggle. Try reading it! ^__^

Going Back

I have been an active member of a religious organization during my younger years. I served as a lector during mass, and a member of the Legion Of Mary. I attended mass religously and confessed my sins almost weekly. I was a practicing Catholic.

Things changed when my Lola, our great influence to being conservative and religous, died. My usual active participation dwindled as I became busy with school and extra curricular activities.

I know that God is there and He still loves me.

But I'm not doing anything.

Ideas came pouring on me, like the first rainfall during summer, and with it came the spiritual questions that tries to seek some answer, explanation, and justification. I tried to be the usual good Catholic during my college days, but it's different now.

There's a void now that can't be filled with any material things.

I know that I'm missing my Father...

I know that God is missing me too...

But I'm not doing anything.

Now, I was invited to a Catholic Charismatic Movement. I didn't promised to be all loyal and cooperative for the group, but I did promised to observe and give it a try.

Now i'm doing something, I hope it'll last.

Nudity

The word itself presents different meaning to various people. I guess it could be the background or the popular media itself that made it a touchy topic or scene for some. I, for one was raised in a “conservative” family. I didn’t regret it though, but somehow my perception changed as I aged. I don’t know if it’s bad for me to like it (based on theology), but I like it.

I initially stumble with Nudity As an Art as I was searching for photographs in livejournal years ago. It really was an art and not just the usual porn, as it’s the usual case when the word pops out from someone’s mouth. I found out that a body is really unique and presents beauty in itself, especially those of woman’s. I like how the photographers come up with unique ideas on how to present and enhance what women possess. That of course originated from Western countries, and no matter how our country develops, our being conservatives ( being a Pinoy) still prevail.

One example of that was when my Mom, her friends, and I went to a Spa. That particular spa is popular with other Asians. They dragged me there because they want to show me how those foreigners walk barenaked in the locker room, in the common shower room, in the Jacuzzi, Sauna, and Steam room. It’s big deal for them. It’s probably the teachings during their era. Anyway, they don’t have a choice but to strip as well, oh except for the disposable undies they bought there since they can’t afford to see each other’s southern part. Later on, they get the hang of it.

That notion didn’t actually prevail me that easily. Of course, I too got embarrassed if anyone could see my body other than my mom. But as I got addicted to a massage, I realized that I shouldn’t be ashamed of it, the light in the room was dim, the masseuse is a girl and isn’t interested on my body, lastly, it just feels great.

Another Nude haven would be the locker room in the gym. I’m not being maniac or anything, but it just feels good seeing girls celebrating nudity no matter how their body looks. Mai and I would stay in the steam room or sauna after a vigorous work out and women would sometimes come in wearing nothing. We on the other hand, would be a bit conservative, so we wear something. ^____^

People should try nudity even if it’s just in the confines of their house. Wear just boxers or undies as a starter while watching TV or washing dishes. If you’re more comfortable with it, go naked. Just be sure you’re safe and free from the prying eyes of your neighbors. It’s liberating…I guess…^___^

Spot the difference

---------year 2005-----------

---------year 1999 or 2000-------------

* I'm wearing the same sandals...^___^

Bookworm just a bit

A friend of mine wants to borrow any book from my collection. I haven’t paid any attention to what I got over the years, so it was a good chance to “visit my old friends again. I don’t have lots of books but it consists mostly of fantasy and science fiction, I wonder why.

I got interested with books during my grade school years, the time when my Dad would prefer to keep us inside the house than to play taguan pung, patintero, shake shake, Pepsi 7up, or Langit lupa with other kids. He would bring me hardbound books, from The Elves and the Shoemaker, Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, etc. I found that reading books could actually pass the time and keep me company. Then I shifted to Sweet Valley Kids, Twins, and High.

Nanay (my grandmother) saw what kind of books I was reading when she tried reading it, and since it has some kissing scene, I guess that what urged her to introduce Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew to my interests. I did in fact like it. We usually hang around Goodwill bookstore in Carriedo to buy bargain Hardy boys and Nancy Drew which only costs around 5-20 pesos. Cool, isn’t it?

That phase continued until high school years. Then when I got in College, I read other genres from the influence of my one of my best friends, April. Because of her I had a crush with Harry Potter even before it got popular. I got interested with animes, Jrock, and most especially Neil Gaiman. I fancy award winning novels and graphic designs.

Aside from her, the one who influenced me into reading what I have now in my collection is none other than my boyfriend. Our relationship even started from a book, one of Sidney Sheldon’s. From then on, I got curious with him and his interests---books. I then started reading Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth series and now I’m finishing David Edding’s.

My old book collection is now in my cousin Geri’s possession. What’s left are the Scifi and Fantasy books and graphic novels. Hopefully I could acquire more diverse books. I realized that any interests could really start from somewhere or with someone. I’m glad that mine started at home, and hopefully I could pass it on to my future kids *daydreaming*.

Relearning

I had to wake up early at six in the morning, just to make a decision-- to transfer or not. The schedule and sectioning for the summer classes was posted yesterday, as it turned out, only 3 of us among our group of friends who got the Thursday to Saturday class. I felt bad about it and I got scared like a school girl on her first day in school. My friend told me that I could transfer in their section if I could present to the registrar a reasonable excuse to shift my sched, which I could provide since I do have a job.

Then this morning, still feeling sore from the work out the other day, and too sleepy to go out that morning, had to reconsider my reasons for transferring.

I thought of all the things I might miss because I was separated from my friends. The one hour lunch break that we could get to talk and share jokes, the group works, the complaints, and the sabay-sabay na uwi and my music video project. That’s the honest reason that urged me to transfer.

As for the one I conjured, it would be the unknown prowess of my would-be CIs and the crazy workload that might be assigned to us. In addition to the list, I have two appointments for Thursdays which was too minor if you would consider it.

Anyway, the loneliness I felt reminded me of the time before my graduation in College. Dad asked me how I was feeling before my big event and I plaintively said I’m sad. I graduated ahead of my friends and that made me blue and lonesome not being with them during the ceremony. Dad got angry with me because of that. He said that I should learn and be used to being alone. From then on, it became a challenge to me. I tried being brave. From going to the mall, applying for jobs, studying for MA, or going to Bora alone!

Funny how a simple arrangement like this could tick my nerves. I guess I just have to relearn how to do it again.